Albus the terrible
by Save the last one
Summary: Dumbledore, If anybody learned to know him as a kind, sweet man you are wrong read along and discover the true image of Rumbledore and see he is not what he appears on the outside.
1. Chapter 1 The greater good

The dirty truth Chap. 1

It was a bitter sweet time for the wizarding world The sweet of it was That the feared demented looking Dark lord was gone. The bitter of it was that it cost the lives of James and Lily potter, two highly respected witch and wizard. This haloween evening found the one and only dumbledore pacing in his study room in hogwarts who was thinking about two major things. The more important thought he had was the last date with Grindelwald the previous evening in his jail cell. "I wish I could have opened my playbook a little more with him" he thought out loud. The other thought the least important one was of the baby Harry Potter after losing his parents this evening. "I have to take them to the Durselys so they can abuse him making him easily manipulative" he said laughing evily. Then he was rudely interrupted by a fuming Severus Snape. "You arse hole, you said you would keep them safe you pathetic queer"! "Ah Severus looking quite handsome as always, but I had no control over Peter Pettigrew and his actions, so it's not my fault". dumbledore replied softly. Then he added to an outraged Snape It was all for the greater good Do not worry you will have your part in it as well Oh and by the way would you care for a lemon drop"? Dumbledore added. So severus if you mind I will be going to Potter manor to pick harry up to go to His loving aunt and Uncle being as hagris is very busy. "No they are not loving there cruel and worthless he will be going some where else" snape shouted. "Sorry Severus The protection wards are at the dursleys so I side with the greater good." dumbledore replied with a big smile. Snape the passed out due to a great deal of disgust and anger with dumbledore.

Dumbledore was on his way to the potters home in Godrics hollow to pick up baby harry he stopped at his parents and relatives graves when he got to Ariannas his sister he began to weep when he controlled himself he assured her on her grave thai it was for the greater good that she died. Any way dumbles went inside the potters home and scooped up harry and apparated to the Durselys. Dumbledore threw harry on door step and wrote a note and apparated to a more important place Numengard "I wore my best cloak for you grindelwald" dumblefore replied with a sick grin before apparating. Mean while severus waking up from fainting decided when harry got to an appropriate age he would adopt him before he went to hogwarts and steer him away from dumbledore from now harry would have to manage.


	2. cream cheese

Chapter 2

10 years later harry awoke to the regular abuse of being punched kicked and being held down so dudley could do wrestling jumps and moves on him. Afterwards he had to cook a zesty five course breakfeast for the dursleys. Afterwards harry had to mow the lawn, weed the garden, clean the house, and all the rest of the chores not to mention rubbing vapor rub on vernon due to his constant breakouts. It was abosolutely ridiculous harry thought and if he said anything he would get 10 lashings with vernons homemade razor strap. When harry went to bed that evening he remembered it was his birthday in a matter of minutes oh well he shrugged as he drifted off to sleep. All of a sudden harry was awoken and the clock said 12:00 thats odd he thought. The sounds he was hearing came from downstairs it ws vernon yelling. NO! there no harry bloody potter here! Who could be looking for me? harry thought. Then he heard a cold oily voice You lie said the voice. I AM NOT LYING YOU MAD MAN! roared vernon. THen harry's eagerness took over as he went to the source of the noise and said "I'm harry" "I thought so" said the mystery man. YOU ARE NOT 20 SLASHES WITH THE RAZOR STRAP YOUNG MAN! thundered veron DON't let me for.. vernon was interrupted by being thrown aside by the mystery man. How did you do that without touchin him harry asked him "Magic". replied the man. Do not worry I'll explain all of that to you later as you have much to know but for now My name is Severus Snape and I advise you to come with me or you wil have more of those snape pointed to a large slash on harry's face. Any wheres better than here harry said. "Ah good" snape said and they were off.

It was a very bad day for dumbledore first he found out that Grindlewald was released from prison. That was not the main problen he had with gellert the main problem was that grindlewald was married to a woman. Absolute madness dumbledore spat slashing his wand blowing up half of numengard. All the time together all of the kisses shared all the times I climaxed and he's married. THen later dumbledore found out by hagrid that harry was not at the durselys anymore. Dumbledore decided he would adress these problems tomorrow and in the meantime enjoyed some nice chamber music and a game of ten pin bowling.


	3. Chapter 3 alien goat

Chapter 3

Dumbledore woke the next morning with just himself immediately remembered the events that happened the previous evening. Why Gellert who found the evidence I thought I got rid of it all! Dumbledore boomed. Then he looked at a picture of harry and his parents and destroyed it. Damn potter! who could have abducted you I must get answers with one last lemon drop he was off.

Dumbledore decided to have a chat with Severus and praying for a miracle he just might land Severus as his companion. So Severus I'm sure you are aware that early this morning potter went missing from Little whinging. Snape almost sneered but controlled himself and replied No while releasing his most powerful occlumic shield. Well now thats out of the way I'll try to win over Severus Dumbles thought to himself. So dumbledore asked severus to fetch him a potion which involved him climbing a ladder in turned exposed his bottom. Snape was getting dumbles the felix felicis potion when dumbledore said quite a collection of potions you got eh! Dumbledore said swatting snapes arse. YOU BLOODY PILE OF GRYFFINDOR DUNG! snape bellowed. Dumbledore quickly apparated not before a tickle of Snapes chin.

Meanwhile harry was having birthday ever actually best day ever. His new father snape had explained all about the wizarding world, and found out he was accepted to hogwarts a wizarding school. Then he had been taken to a heaven on earth place called diagon alley. It had hundreds of stores and businesses all magic related. He already had 2 best friends one was Draco Malfoy son of Lucius malfoy a highly respected ministry official. The other was tracey davis which everyone knows her aunt Susan Davis a muscular, inked out, notorious, ruthless, and nontolerant minister of magic for the tiny country of Montenegro. This was quite the transformation for harry the other day he was being cracked with a razorstrap.

Snape worked tirelessly trying to prevent dumbledore from knowing he had Harry. Also in the contrast tried to prevent dumbledores plans, for instance dumbledore was going to try to set harry up to marry a girl named ginny daughter of a poor family who loved muggles. Snape counteracted that plan by making amarriage contract between harry and tracey being how they were best friends. Thats what he did that day as he went to gringotts.

After letting harry and his friends explore both knockturn and diagon alley snape decided that they come along to buy all of their school supplies. After a stop of gringotts to load on money Harry and everybody went to Ollivanders to get wands. Harry tested the wands first. First he tried a holly and phoneix wand and it started acting out of control. Harry couldn't help but wonder why ollivander had a devastated look on his face. Eventually harry would get a 11" rare cherry wood and dragon heartstring wand. Draco landed the holly and phoneix and tracey a elm and dragon heartstring wand. At the pet store all 3 picked up a dog and an owl due to new rules at hogwarts. They went shopping for a couple hours later.

That evening snape decided he would tell harry and tracey about the berothal contract between harry and tracey being how she was spending the night. Snape was surprised that they took the news well. Now he would try to prevent the weasleys set up at the trainstation the next morning


	4. white beard

It was the day to got to Hogwarts and harry couldn't wait he was going to ride the Hogwarts express even though his "father" was a teacher he would still ride it to avoid suspicion. Snape told harry that the Malfoys will take him to the train station and added before a hug was to get on the train early to avoid the weasleys.

Moments later found Harry, Draco and his parents at platform nine and three quarters, there he met tracey and Now the new Ancient runes professor Susan Davis.

Meanwhile Molly Weasely was screaming" PLATFORM 9 3\4 QUARTERS THIS WAY"! "Where Is that bloody future income for Ginny at"! she finished with annoyance By now 3 of her kids Fred, George, and Percy got so annoyed that they got on the train without saying bye to their mother. While the other 2 Ronald, and Ginny were looking around the station concerned that Dumbledore's plan might fail. "Maybe he knew how to get on somehow" Ronald replied "NONSENSE"! Molly replied with her wand raised. I"LL FIND YOU POTTER! Molly screamed once more. Susan Davis who was undercover and knew this was coming came out picked up Molly and slammed her. Then she bound her in ropes and turned her over to the aurors.

Dumbledore was having a great day he was able to dose Argus Filch with enough love potions that it became permanent. Caretaker Filch was now his permanent companion. Dumbledore spent hours with filch in his bedroom doing minutes and minutes French kissing and a hour in the bed exploring each other It was wonderful. " Dumbledore was sad when filch said he had to do his duties as caretaker but he would be back tonight which got dumbles extatic. Dumbledores good day when he looked at a report coming from kings cross saying that molly was arrested for threatening An 11 year old by the name of HARRY POTTER! Dumbledore read the last part aloud. "Damn what do I do now"! Dumbledore screamed. knock Knock was heard outside dumbledores door Ahhhhhhhhhh Filch your here" Dumbledore said dreamily and they walked hand in hand amd mouth to mouth to the bed.


	5. Chapter 5

Several hours in the train ride the treat trolley made a stop out of harry tracey and malfoys compartment, They bought the whole lot. They were all trading cards from the choclate frogs. "Who do you have harry"? Draco asked. "YUCK!, I got dumbledore, speaking of him father said I need to pretend I like him and play into his games to avoid suspicion" Harry said with dissappointment. "Poor dolt that means you have to go to Gryffindor huh" said Draco with worry. "I don't have to put those disgraceful colors on ". said Harry once again. They had a good train ride until a kid by the name of Ron came in and upon seeing Harry he said: "Harry I see your with Malfoy and Davis don't go making friends with the wrong sort and I can help you there" said Ron extending his hand. Like I would be a friend with someone who's mother was arrested for threatening me" Harry sneered. Ron was about to punch Harry when Susan Davis came in grabbed Ron and twisted Ron's arm until he fell on the ground. In the end the conflict was settled and Ron had his whole left arm broke and a shoulder strain. At Last they were at Hogwarts.

Dumbledore arrived at the Great Hall ready to see Harry sorted into Gryffindor. Snape had told him that harry was a brutal wizards prison in Wales "he should still be easily manipulative" Dumbledore thought with his eyes twinkling out of control.

Harry and his friends were waiting to get sorted when Ron came again this time with his 2 friends by his Side. "So Harry I hope you reconsidered my offer on the train and the apology accepted, by the way on my right is Seamus Finnegan and on my left is Neville Longbottom" Ron said. Harry noticed that Ron was almost holding the hand of the Longbottom kid. "So what do you say future gryffindor friend of mine"? Ron added. "First of all carrot head I will not be going to Gryffindor, but instead I'll be going to Slytherinn where I belong. Second of all I'm not your friend so Piss off" Harry finished. Ron was about to punch him when Mcgonnagal announced the sorting will be starting soon .Several Names were announced including Tracey who went to Slytherin until "Malfoy, Draco" was announced It was even a second before the sorting hat screamed "Slytherin"! A couple of names later the name Potter, Harry was anounced. Harry glanced at Dumbledore and Noticed he was almost standing up and failing horribly to hide his grin off his face. When the hat was placed on Harry it started saying he was brave and Harry was starting to get scared that it might say gryffindor but as the hat went on it became pretty clear to Harry in where he was going until finally "Slytherin"! yelled the hat.

Dumbledore who before the name was called was standing on top of his chair fell off once the announcement of Harry's name was made and he began weeping on the ground. Harry was lauging when he saw Dumbledore crying on the ground and so was the ancient runes professor Davis snape just sneered and smirked. When Dumbledore recovered he told the shocked hall that he had a medical problem and that he needed to leave. When he was leaving Madam pomfrey came and surrounded Dumbledore. "Let me take you to the medical wing Head Master" Pomfrey said. "No"! You will sit your arse down or I blast you in to tomorrow! screamed Dumbledore. At this Pomferey ran for her life while dumbledore grabbed Filchs hand. Early booboo". said Filch. "had a problem said dumbledore" leading filch to his quarters.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning Harry and his friends were heading to the Great Hall for breakfeast, when they heard moaning from a near by broom closet. Harry went to investigate and when he did he found the most disgusting, and disturbing thing he ever saw. It was Ron and Neville in a serious snogging session. harry thought the more disturbing part was that Ron had Black lipstick and yellow eye shadow on. Ron who noticed the door was opened and looked up and said in almost a drunken state "eh.. arry best pal... is that you baby"? Harry who was then sicken to the stomach was about to run for it but before he could he was grabbed by Ron, who seemed to come out of his dreamlike-state. "Jealous eh potter, you had you chance to win Neville but being how you rejected my friendship you missed out, but I will be merciful I will accept you as a friend and as a bonus you may have Seamus to be you companion". Ronald said gleefully. "As I said the first time I will not be a friend of a blood traitor"! spat Harry. OH you'll be sorry for bashing me family" Ronald said drawing his wand. Harry who was not scared simply said, "Its my family not me family its my family". STUPEFY! shrieked Ron who was flabbergasted that Harry did wandless magic and easily reflected the curse and hit Ron. "Lets go to breakfeast" said Harry to his shocked friends.

Dumbledore had a good day once he found out that the Greengrass family's daughter Daphne would be a spy for Dumbledore. The deal was settled once Dumbledore offered them much in money coming from Harry's bank account. "Now I can get back to normal" said Dumbledore obviously relieved That project lead the light was back on track

Harry was having an easy but amusing 1st day at Hogwarts. Snape had taught him all there is to know about magic, so therefore it was not a problem. Harry getting his work done quick allowed him to see the amusing sight of Ronald failing to even pronounce a simple charm. The best of it came when potions came with Harry's dad Snape teaching the class. Professor Snape was telling what potions class would be until he saw Ron not paying attention and writing something on parchment. " would you mind sharing to the class what you have wrote, obviously It is very important" said snape coldly. "No"! spat Ron. "Very well I shall then " said snape. "Come any closer and I'll rip it"! hissed Ron. "Accio paper" said snape. Now lets see what this says. "Neville you heat up any room you enter, your the butter of my potatoes, the caramel to my ice cream, most of all your the diamond of my heart." Snape finished reading the letter out loud his nose crinkled in disgust. Ron and Neville now had their heads on the desk due to embarrasment. "Weasely 50 points from Gryffindor for spoiling my appetite and be thankful it isn't more"! boomed Snape.

harry and his friends were now at dinner, but before they could eat Dumbledore stood up to make some announcements. "Being as how I couldn't make announcements yesterday due to some problems" Dumbledore said glaring at Harry. " I will make them now, but don't worry I will speak in English I will make this short by saying the third floor corridor is off limits Harry upon hearing this pretented like he was interested and lifted his head up in enthusiasm which brightened Dumbledores mood. Dumbledore finished by saying "Let the Children eat"!


	7. Chapter 7 The epidemic at Hogwarts

Dinner was getting wrapped up and Dumbledore wished everyone farewell, before announcing to Harry to report to his office. Harry got up and passed by His Father. "Remember the mind blocking charms I taught you, because if he finds out we are in deep trouble." Snape said. "Yes, do not worry he won't find a thing." Harry reassured him.

Several moments later at Dumbledore's office. "So Harry, what made you to persuade the hat to go to Slytherin" Dumbledore said in an aggitated voice, while trying to penitrate Harry's mind. "I did not persuade the hat, but I did want to go to Slytherin, and I'm glad I am" Harry said merrily, while Dumbledore's face reddened in anger, and hastily changed the subject. "On to my next thing" said Dumbledore, once again trying to penetrate the young wizard's mind, but failing horribly. "That's exactly what I'm talking about"! bellowed Dumbledore, "Where did you learn to shield your mind against the best wizard of all time"! Thundered Dumbledore. "Whatever I'll go on to my next thing, Mr Potter". Dumbledore started. "Don't think I didn't see you Knock Mr. Weasley unconscious, that's after you invaded his personal life"! Dumbledore finished. "Actually sir" Harry started before getting cut off by Dumbledore. "Do not argue with me Mister Potter; for I have defeated Grindelwald and can see past your lies! Dumbledore said fiercely, with his wand raised. "For your information headmaster I defeated Voldemort the best wizard of all time". Harry said calmly. "You had cheat codes helping you out and actually I am the greatest wizard of all time"! Thundered Dumbledore Then one last attempt to read Harry's mind, Dumbledore demanded enterance into Harry's mind OPEN THAT MANIPULATIVE MIND TO THE LEADER OF THE LIGHT"! Screamed Dumbledore. After all that noise Filch came down with his pink pajamas on "what's wrong baby"? questioned Filch. "Nothing argi agi just the Potter brat intruding, oh and before I forget,said Dumbledore conjuring up a bed for him and Filch "Out"! said Dumbledore beginning to take off his cloak. Harry ran out as soon as he did he could hear moaning and thumping coming from Dumbledore's office. Harry sprinted as fast as he could to the Slytherin common room.

Percy Weasely was relieved that the weekend was here, all week he was starting to get troubled about rumors that his brother Rom and his friend Neville Longbottom were dating, and were found in nowhere else, but the broom closet. "That certainly can not be true, I mean Ron friends with boys, but none of my brothers are gay"! he thought to himself. Percy was heading to the Gryffindor common room before some sounds caught his attention coming from a nearby broom closet. As a prefect it was one of his jobs to get couples out of broom closets, even if it is the weekend, so he went to do his job. When he did he nearly feinted he saw his brother Ron with Neville making out like there was no tomorrow, and Ron had Green Lipstick and had red eye shadow on. "No no this, this , this can't be, my brother is not gay, oh no no". Percy was muttering until Ron looked up."Ah!, Big Brother bring your date and Join us said Ron with a grin. "You are no brother of Mine"!, said Percy running as far as he could from that broom closet, until he seeked refuge in an abandoned classroom, so he thought. Percy waited to catch his breath and process what he just saw, but before he could, he heard more of those all to familiar moans coming from the same classroom he was in. When he looked he saw the familiar scene of 2 men kissing and mating in plain view and when he saw hte two men's faces he blurted there names out do to shock. IT'S DUMBLEDORE AND FILCH!. Dumbledore looked up after hearing the ear deafening scream. "Ah Percy care to join in, for we can play spin the bottle"! Dumbledore said excitedly while Filch was literally jumping up and down at the idea. THERE EVERYWHERE! Percy shouted running out of the classroom as fast as he could to where Percy did not know, Just hopefully to a place where there were no men kissing eachother. "That's a pity" said Dumbledore sadly before returning to his services with Filch.


	8. Peril in the walls

Minerva Mcgonnagal, the head of Gryffindor house was having a confusing day, first about the rumors about Ron and Neville, that would certainly damage the house's reputation. The second of it all was that the previous evening she heard Percy running around the school saying stuff like, "There Everywhere"!, and "Put me out of my misery before the school get's taken over"! When she tried to talk to the prefect he would be unresponsive and pretend like he was asleep when ever she approached him. That night she heard some noise in the Gryffindor common room after all the students went to bed. "Fred and George" she was muttering as she approached the enterance of the common room ,and when she entered she had the shock of her life. In front of her showed Ron and Neville snuggling each other on one of the couches, obviously they were planning on spending the night there. "Oh sweet heavens." was all Mcgonnagal said before collapsing in a heap.

The next day Ron and Neville decided they would not hide their relationship anymore. Ron, thinking it would gain him his much needed attention, decided that he and Neville go into the great hall holding hands and watch the hall erupt with praises. "What are we waiting for", said an eager Ron. "Lets make history" said Neville. After a 20 second frencher they were off to Breakfeast.

Harry was a little stressed out by the previous meeting with Dumbledore. "I don't think he found out anything", Harry tried to reassure himself, but he just was not sure. After all Dumbledore was a half-decent wizard. But After he saw his father Snape still employed at Hogwarts, his worries went away for the moment. After that was cleared out he decided he would go to breakfeast he never wished he went to with his friends.

Harry was just loading his plate when the pandomonium broke out. It started out with comments like, "UGh" and "That's sick". As soon as Harry turned his head he saw what they were looking at. It was Ronald and Neville Holding hands, and standing on top of the Gryffindor. Both Of the young Gryffindors looked confused that they were not getting the attention that they desperately desired. Everyone was fleeing the great hall. Only Dumbledore and Filch were clapping. Dumbledore was wiping a tear from his eyes, but in turn was becoming increasingly annoyed about the negative response the two role models were getting. Dumbledore took matters in his own hands and canceled all classes for the day and instead had an assembly in the Great Hall.

Harry was Furious that all classes were canceled because of the Muggle loving fool Dumbledore. "Must be pretty important for all classes to be cancelled." stated Tracey as they were getting seated. Harry was about to respond but Dumbledore began his speech. "Good Morning children", Dumbledore began, I am appalled by your negativity towards two of Hogwarts Role-model students. What do you have against gay people Huh"! He bellowed I have called you here to tell you that if you are caught being mean to Neville and or Ron", Dumbledore paused to Glare at Harry "They will be punished severely and not allowed dinner for a month. The whole hall erupted"Silence"! screamed Dumbledore, "Do not argue with me, for I am the greatest wizard of all-time, and as an added bonus everyone will have to wright a 6 foot long essay about the positivity of homosexuals.

Dumbledore went to bed with Filch feeling victorious. But the next morning that quickly changed when Dumbledore discovered that Over half of the students got pulled out of Hogwarts overnight. "NO"! was all Dumbledore said


	9. Chapter 9 The shocking news

Dumbledore had to look at the positive of the situation that was unfolding rapidly. He still had all of his student followers/ spies present at Hogwarts. They were: Ron Weasely, Neville Longbottom, Daphne Greengrass, Milicent Bulstrode, Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas, Pansy Parkinson, and of course Argus Filch. "Who gives a rats ass about the other students when I got my 8 member CSI crew" Dumbledore thought with a big grin on his face.

Harry, along with all of his Slytherin friends were up almost all night completing Dumbledores essay, he assigned everybody. Dumbledore would be waiting to collect them at the great Hall first thing in the morning. "I wish I was out of Hogwarts and into a real school like Durmstrang" Harry sighed. "Agreed" Tracey and, Draco said simultaniously. Several moments later: "Done" said Harry. "That means I get 47 minutes to sleep" said Harry looking at the clock. "Lucky you, I won't get any" Draco said with a hint of frustration. "Same here" Tracey chimed in leaning on Harry.

Moments later Harry and his friends were walking to breakfeast with their essays in their hands when they saw Ron, and Neville were parading like heroes, heading to the great hall. Ron glanced at Harry who was holding Tracey's hand and gave Harry a Disapproving look before giving Neville a piggy back ride to the Great Hall. When Harry and his crew got to the enterance they were greeted by the unwelcome sight of Dumbledore "Alas chillens did you learn your lessons" Dumbledore said with a stern look in his eye. Harry, Draco, and Tracey just ignored the aging wizard mainly trying not to get their minds read. This angered Dumbledore. "Think your Hot shit eh, ignoring the Greatest wizard of all time Potter! Dumbledore Spat venemously", which raised some hairs on Harry's Neck. "Just remember I'm watching you in one way or another." Dumbledore concluded.

After a day of boring lessons, even potions was boring now, because Snape was not allowed to be mean to Ron or Neville, thanks to Dumbledore. Harry ate an unusually tasteless dinner. Harry headed to the Slytherin common room to study. "I'm glad its Friday, Harry sighed sitting on one of the common room couches to study. Shortly after he started to study he felt someone sit beside him. He looked up and saw a face he didn't really see much of he knew her to be by the name of Daphne Greengrass. Immediately Harry was starting to feel uncomfortable, because Daphne definitely was not a pretty girl. She was very ugly and overweight. Harry quickly scanned her mind and found that she was working for Dumbledore. With that Harry decided to play along. "So Harry tell me how its like to live with Snape" Daphne said in her manly voice that immitated Milicent's "You mean how its like living by myself at the wizarding orphanage?" Harry began, "Well its pretty bad, you get beat all the time,and"Harry said before getting interrupted by Daphne. "You lie your being raised by Snape." "Do you know that for sure or is that what Dumbledore said" Harry replied with a evil grin. Daphne looked shocked and began stuttering "Ho, how DDD Do you KNN Know that" Daphne said nervously. Amazing what a weak mind can reveal to me" Harry said pleasantly. At that Daphne tore out of the Slytherin common room to Dumbledore's office."Now let me study, please!" Harry exclaimed.

Dumbledore was in his office grooming his beard in front of his mirror, impatiently waiting for Filch, when his door burst open. "AH! Filch your here!" Dumbledore said with a big smile. That Smile turned into a confused look When he saw it wasn't Filch. "Ms Greengrass what brings you here, Oh! I forgot did you get Potter to reveal his secrets! Dumbledore squealed, sounding like a small boy. "No!" screamed Daphne. "Then why are you here, Dumbledore said grabbing Daphne's hair preparing to march her out of the office. "Let me go and I will explain!" Daphne shrieked in pain. "Well it better be good, because I'm expecting Filch any moment now"! Dumbledore boomed. "Well you see", Daphne started. "Potter knew you sent me, he read my mind, and found everything when he did" Daphne replied with fear as she saw Dumbledore light up like the 4th of July. "Oh yeah he's definitely been raised by Severus!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "Daphne go get the rest of the members of the group and bring them to my office". Dumbledore commanded. Just then Filch came in " Sorry Argus I'm afraid I'll have to delay bedtime, as all of have an emergency meeting, Dumbledore said to a devestated looking Filch.

Moments later all 8 of Dumbledores members were in front of him actually 7 were while Filch was on Dumbledores arm. This weekend I plan a full out assault against Harry Potter, and his best friends, hoping to catch him tell his secrets" Dumbledore said "My plan consists of one of you 7 students to be at each of the floors of this school while Filch does not have to go under cover because he is our caretaker". Dumbledore said beaming at Filch. "Well that is all now flee before me! Dumbledore said Shooing them away. Dumbledore was about to crawl in bed with Filch when there was a knock at his door. "NOW WHAT DO THEY WANT"! Dumbledore boomed. Dumbledore opened the door and was surprised by the sight of a furious looking Molly Weasely. "Mrs. Weasely can't it wait til morning" Dumbledore said motioning towards his bed. " I'm afraid not Albus, you see Arthur filed for a divorse. Dumbledore collapsed to the ground upon hearing this shocking information. Holy Lemondrop. was all Dumbledore could say


	10. Chapter 10

"Oh Shit"!, said Dumbledore when he came back to the life. "I will have a chat with old Arthur Dumbledore said murderously. What Dumbledore did not know was that he was being spied on by a pair of naughty twins by the name of Fred and George Weasely.

"We have to alert Harry"! George told Fred. "We could do that, but I have a better idea"Said Fred with a grin. "Ok what is it Fred"! George chimed. "This." said George pulling a piece of parchment from his pocket. "The Maurder's map"! said George in aw. "Yes, and this way Harry knows where Dumbles' spies are at all times" Fred finished with a evil grin as he imagined Dumbledore's face when his plan backfired.

Meanwhile.. at the burrow Arthur Weasely, now ex-husband of Molly Weasely was packing his stuff, preparing to get out of this dump he had been living in for all these years. As he was doing this Dumbledore and Molly apparated through the fire place. Dumbledore approached Arthur with a death glare. "Where do you think your going buddy boy"! Dumbledore spat "Away from this thing I never should have married, and I know you knew she used love potions to get me to marry her old corrupt man." Molly grabbed a kitchen knife and began to charge at Arthur, before Dumbledore stopped them. "No no Molly we need 2 stable Figures to raise Ronald and Ginny in the world of the greater good." Dumbledore replied to Molly with his eyes twinkling haywire. "Why just Ron and Ginny", Arthur started "What about all of the rest of the kids, the ones who haven't been influenced by your games old man! Arthur replied with a fuming anger. "If you can excuse me I will be going". said Arthur in a hurry to leave. "Wake up Arthur"!, Dumbledore started. "Yes Molly did make mistakes, and you did to, for we are all human". Dumbledore paused before speaking again "Despite molly's mountain of faults, dear Arthur I always say a flawed wife is better than none at all." Dumbledore replied with a fake sympathy. "Well what you know about wives Albus, unless you cut off your boy friends manhood's, Oh and I bet your the reason that Ron is Gay!." Arthur Screamed. This caused Dumbledore to reach for his wand, but before he could, Arthur called out. "Billy!" Immediately a house elf showed up , and Arthur said "take me away". "Right master"! the elf croaked before apparating away with Arthur. "I didn't he had an elf, that could of been dinner! Molly screached. While a shocked Dumbledore was left saying "Strip me naked, and paint me blue." before feinting on the ground.

Harry was walking to his common room, when he was approached by two twins he knew by Fred and George. "Hi Fred and George, what is it"? said a puzzled Harry. "We come here to offer you advise". Said George merrily. "Ok, what is it". said Harry still confused. "You know that Dumbledore has 7 students spying on you, he has 1 stationed to each of Hogwarts floors. He will have them eavesdrop on your conversation, so he knows your secrets." Fred finished. "Well thank you guys for warning me I will be alert from now on because of this Muggle loving Idiot. said Harry who was beginning to leave, before being stopped by Fred and George "No, no don't leave Harry we have something to give you" They both said together. "What"? said Harry. "This". said Fred "The Maurders Map" Fred added showing Harry a piece of parchment paper. "What does it do"? said Harry eagerly. "Watch this". said George. "I solemly swear that I'm up to no good". George spoke. In front of Harry the Parchment opened up showing multiple names. Then Harry realized this is a map of Hogwarts." This shows the whole school". Said Harry excitedly. "Indeed" said the twins simultaniously.

Meanwhile a Proud Ron was parading around the castle,after his work with Dumbledore, Dumbledore had put him on the Gryffindor Quddich team as a starting seeker. Also Ron got a new Nimbus 2000. "Wait til Potter sees this." Ron said while flashing his broom in peoples faces.

Harry decided he would have fun with his new map the next day. He went to the third floor where One of Dumbledore's giants were at. "You don't hide well Daphne I think you need to lay off the kidney pie". Harry said teasingly. Just then Daphne came crashing down by Harry she got up and tried to physically knock him out. "Come here Harry!" she said in her booming voice. Harry easily stunned her. Harry then dropped her off at Dumbledore's office with a note saying "I don't miss a trick old Man"! When Dumbledore discovered this later he immediately collapsed.


	11. Chapter 11

Arthur Weasely found him self a small place to stat in downtown London. This way he could be close to work. Lucius Malfoy came over and congradulated Arthur for finally divorcing the hag he had been living with. At the divorce hearing Arthur got full custody of Percy,Fred,and George. While Molly got Ronald,and Ginny. Ever sice the divorse Arthur had been living a really good life. He had been tooking out of the useless department of Muggles and now he wasthe assistant to Lucius Malfoy at the Ministry of Magic. He a small clean place to live in. All was well. Molly Weasely however was not living the same life.

Molly Weasely was not a Happy individual. Her lover Arthur Weasely had found out her secrets, not only that he was hiding an elf. That could of feed us for a week. Stews, Roasts whatever Ronald think! Molly thought to herself. Molly was in deep shit she now had no income at all Arthur was the only income before. "Then she came up with an Idea Somehow she had to Hook Harry up with Ginny and we'll have unlimited Money"! She thought out loud while stirring her famous mud soup. Molly went to bed a happy lady even though in reality the idea had no chance of working.

Dumbledore was having a good day he was able to add more student followers. He added Hannah Abbot, Susan Bones 2 blokes out of Hufflepuff. He added Cho chang out of Raven claw. Right now he was in the middle of trying to get a mudblood Hermoine Granger of Gryffindor to join but she wouldn't budge he thought about the imperius curse , but he wouldn't try it. Just then his 2 giants went past and he got an Idea. "Hey Daphne, Milicent come here"! called Dumbledore. "What is it Master!" they spke in their thundering, manly voices. "Show Granger here it doesn't pay to disrespect the light" Dumbledore said smugly. "Will do Chief!" Daphne said proudly. With that Dumbledore left while his 2 giants went to take care of business.

Harry was walking to his dorm when he heard a girl crying from a nearby room. Harry quickly scanned his map and Found the names: Daphne Greengrass, Milicent Bulstrode, and Hermoine Granger. He quickly grabbed his wand and found out he was joined by his good buddy professor Susan Davis. "What is it Harry"? Susan questioned eagerly. "Its Daphne and Milicent they have a kid hostage"! said Harry urgently. "Those Damn fatties that work for Dumbledork" Susan muttered while drawing her wand. They both sprinted to the classroom to investigate what was going on. "What do you think we should do Big D!" Milicent said jubiantly. "I say we eat her"! Daphne boomed. "Sounds Good" Milicent chimed in. Harry and looked on as Milicent lifted the knocked out girl skirt, and Daphne prepared to feast on her leg. That's when the 2 took action. "Sectusempra!" screamed Harry as the curse hit Daphne right in the leg She was out cold due to the amount of pain. Susan Davis shot a cutting curse at Milicent , which hit her in the arse knocking her out cold as well. Just then Dumbledore came in. "Oh my Kidney Pie what the hell his this!" Dumbledore exclaimed at the bloody mess. "I will have you fired Susan!" Dumbledore started before getting interupted. "Actually headmaster me and Harry prevented Miss Granger here from getting devoured by a couple of Hungry students so you have no right." Susan said calmly. Dumbledore had no choice but to agree.

The next Day Daphne and Milicent were realeased from the medical wing Daphne had a peg leg and Milicent had a half but.

This chapter is not finished!


	12. The Awakening

Dumbledore was deeply troubled and furious by the appearance of his 2 giants. The only thought left was revenge and he would certainly have his chances to take shots at harry and his crew.

Dumbledore and his followers were gathering around in his office. Everybody was listening intently as Dumbledore presented his blueprint on how to get revenge Harry."Now when that little shits heading back to the dungeons I want our whole group attacking from all angles!"Dumbledore began. "What curses do we use?" croaked susan bones." "All but the "unforgiveables." Dumbledore chuckled. "Make him hurt make him burn, and Daphne and Milicent you guyscan.." Dumbledore began before getting interrupted. "Rip his leg off!" Boomed peg leg Daphne. "Gouge his eye out"! chimed in eye patch Milicent. "Very well make him beg for his life to your hearts content." Dumbledore said charmingly. Daphne and Milicent responded by gleefully slapping each others asses. "But know this" Dumbledore began, "Do not kill the boy for when I use the imperioizing curse Harry will be loyal to me do what I command him to do, he"ll find time to make love to me when filch is busy, most importantly he"ll marry Ginny and give me lot"s of lute! "Now scumbags flee before me Dumbledore ordered. One by one everybody left leaving Dumbledore and Filch alone, who both spent the rest of the night making love to each other, singing songs, playing twister, spin the bottle and other games and capped it off with exploding in each others mouths, trying to be the first to overfill each others mouths with Seamen. Dumbledore won that one by making his cock 7 Times bigger.

Little did Dumbledore know that Snapes secret spy elf Toby heard every word. Right now Dumbledore didn't have a care in the world. He was his favorite man, and he decided to surprise Filch by saying his brother Aberforth came up with a potion that pregnates men allowing them to be woman for 6 hours. Just then Dumbledore flashed a vial containing the potion. Dumbledore then took a sip and immediately Filch shubbed his manhood up Dumbledores arse causing Dumbledore to feint with rest of the night Dumbledore had good dreams of conquering Harry and leading him to his eventual death at the hands of Lord Voldemort. Those good dreams earned Filch another blow Job and several minuted of passionate french kissing!


	13. Chapter 13

Dumbledore was furious Filch had stopped having sex with him for a minute when his cat was having a seizure. Dumbledore then to eliminate that cat so he could have more time with filch. So Dumbledore set up 5 traps on each floor of the school, they were rigged with sardines and cat treats. Dumbledore's plan was to blast the cat to to a million pieces when caught.

The next morning:

Dumbledore hopped out of bed excitedly to check the trap. He found the first trap had Ronald Weasely in it He found another one had Neville Longbottom in it, another had Daphne, also one had Milicent . The rest had nothing in it. Dumbledore started hurling curses everywhere destroying several statues and other artifacts. Dumbledore was about to kill a random Hufflepuff until he saw the man in the galsses. "HARRY!" Dumbledore belched as he began tearing the clothes off Harry and began kissing him on the neck. Harry passed out with disgust. Dumbledore was about to suck on Harry's crown jewels, when all of a sudden dumbledore was blasted into a wall by an irrate Severus Snape. Dumbledore got up and was immediately punched in the head by professor Susan Davis. "Professor Albis Dumbledore you know raping students is the most serious of rules of Hogwarts and for you to do it is sick!" Snape croaked. Dumbledore reached for his wand and was slugged in the balls by Susan Davis. Susan then turned Albis to the aurors to be arrested. "This was a set up!" Dumbledore screamed as he was taken by the aurors. 


	14. Chapter 14

Dumbledore was now in Azkaban. He would break out the first chance he got.

The plan was set he would break out when the dementors give him food. So when meal time came the dementor opened the cell door. Dumbledore was surprised how good looking the dementors appeared. He must have it for himself. Dumbledore ran out the door and was easily apprehended by the dementors. The dementor now was giving the Dumbledore the kiss. The dementor became really surprised when Dumbledore began kissing back. The dementor threw Dumbledore out of jail. "Baby no!" Dumbledore belched. "Hogwarts you'll be sorry!" Dumbledore added with a croak.

Harry was eating breakfast in the morning and he took a look at the newspaper and it said "Rapist Albis Dumbledore escapes Azkaban!" Harry showed this article to the new headmaster Susan Davis. She gave Harry a stern look " There will be war!" She declared.


	15. Chapter 15

Dumbledore did a big fist pump, he had just made, what he thought was the perfect revenge plan for Hogwarts.

Later that day:

Dumbledore stood a ways back from Hogwarts. He had made several catapults using dung(poop as ammo. He waited for the perfect time. Dumbledore knew there was going to be quidditch matches today, so he would wait for the stands to be full.

About and hour later Dumbledore saw that the stands were full to capacity. "They won't know what hit them!" Dumbledore belched. "Wait they actually will!" Dumbledore added with a toothless grin. Dumbledore loaded the catapult to full and fired into the quidditch pitch.

Harry was getting ready to play his first match as seeker for the Slytherin quidditch team. Harry and the rest of his team were ready to play until there was pandemonium stuff was raining down from the sky. "Someone's shooting dung at us!" People screamed in the stands. Harry didn't know what they were talking about until SMACK! One hit his face and it reeked the strongest smell and Harry knew what they wanted talking about. Harry went to see where this was coming from, but he didn't have to look far. Out in the distance he saw Dumbledore gloating. Headmaster Davis saw him to and tore off after him.

Dumbledore was watching the scene play out on his binoculars. He was very happy when he saw Harry get hit. Dumbledore was about to shoot more until he saw Davis coming. "On to step two!" Dumbledore croaked. He grapped his broom and went to capture Harry. Before he could he was blasted off his broom by Susan Davis. Dumbledore tore of his clothes and ran in the woods.


	16. Chapter 16

Dumbledore was pissed off his grand plan with the catapults crumbled before his eyes.

Dumbledore exhausted himself. He spent the whole next day standing on high elevation firing curses at Hogwarts. He found out to his absolute anger that curses did no harm, and that noone showed him any attention. "You will pay!" Dumbledore croked before collapsing from exhaustion.

Susan Davis decided not to call the aurors to tell that there escaped fugitive is at Hogwarts, because he was too much fun. As long as his rage stays harmless though.

Dumbledore woke up the next morning he was naked, cold, and alone. Hope was almost lost until he saw Hagrid carrying wood to his cabin. "Hagrid will feed me, keep me warm, maybe I'll score lucky, and after all that he'll sneak me into the castle!" Dumbledore thought out loud with a suppressed belch.

Dumbledore sneaked to Hagrids hut. He knocked on the door. A few moments later Hagrid answered. When Hagrid saw who it was he became really mad. "Dumbledore do you realize how much dung you got on my hut from your little rage riot!" Hagrid thundered. "Hagrid I'm sorry." Dumbledore apologized. "When I become headmaster of the school again I'll make sure to give you a new home." Dumbledore said delightfully. "Save your big talk!" Hagrid roared before slugging Dumbledore in the balls and slamming the door in his face. "Screw you Hagrid!" Dumbledore wheezed squatting down, preparing to shit on his door step. '" Heres some more dung!" Dumbledore said wickedly. All of a sudden Hagrid reappeared in his doorway with a crossbow. He fired an arrow into his ass. Dumbledore howled as Hagrid shoved Dumbledore on the ground and and smeared with his own poop. After that Hagrid picked up the filthy, naked, old man and punted him far away. Dumbledore landed with a thud outside the entrance of Hogwarts. Dumbledore was about to cry,until he found another glimmer of hope. It was his lover Filch sweeping the outside! "Ahh Filch come here you!" Dumbledore squealed. Filch became alarmed when he saw this naked man covered in shit running towards him. Dumbledore was about to hug and kiss Filch until Filch smacked him with his broom, knocking several teeth out and breaking his nose. "Baby please let me in!" Dumbledore pleaded as another door was slammed in his face and locked for good measure. "Hello darkness my old friend!" Dumbledore sang as night settled in.


	17. Chapter 17

Dumbledore had it of being rejected and kicked around like trash. He needed to get in that castle, and not only kill Harry, but also Severus Snape, and Susan Davis!

Dumbledore knew of at least one other man that could get him in the castle. It was his brother Aberforth!

Dumbledore saw that morning was fast approaching so he took off for hogsmease to go to the Hogshead.

Dumbledore bust down the door and went to His brothers private chambers. Dumbledore saw that Aberforth was sleeping. Dumbledore was about to awake but he saw how at peace he looked. "I want to join him!" Dumbledore accidentally belched out loud. Dumbledores loud belch woke Aberforth up. "Albis what are you doing here and wheres your clothes!" Aberforth asked with major concern. "No point explaining." Dumbledore wheezed. "Can I please have a shower!" Dumbledore screamed.

So after a shower, and a change of clothes, which was a green hoodie, camouflage cargo pants, and a pair of military boots. Dumbledore asked Aberforth if there was any way into the castle. "Sorry Albis there is one way, but it requires a broom, and neither of us have that." Aberforth said dissappointedly. "I can get a broom bro!" Dumbledore squealed. "If you are able to do so I will contact Ron Weasely to open the window on the Gryffindor tower and you can fly in there." Aberforth said to an ancy Dumbledore. Dumbledore did a little dance and made a little love to Aberforth.


	18. Chapter 18

Dumbledore was able to stun a Hufflepuff quidditch player who was alone on the pitch and he stole his broom.

Aberforth had just informed Albis that he contacted Ronald and Ronald would have the window open tonight at midnight. Dumbledore was ecstatic finally the break he needed!

Midnight:

Dumbledore checked the large Hogwarts clock and it was midnight! Dumbledore jumped on the broom which turned out to be a comet 260. It appeared Dumbledore was not an experienced flyer, he was crashing into the outside wall and couldn't go straight. After several failed attempts Dumbledore made it close to the window and decided to take his chances and jump in. He landed the jump. Dumbledore then ran to Ronald and started pelting him with many kisses. "I'm going back to bed." Ron yawned. "OK Ron!" Dumbledore squealed. "I will have my revenge!" Dumbledore roared quietly as he snuggled into Ron in his bed.


	19. Chapter 19

Dumbledore slept until 3:00 a.m. He wanted to get Harry before it got light outside. After giving Ron a quick kiss and blow job he was off.

Dumbledore being the headmaster at the beginning of thisschool year, knew the password to get into Slytherin house. Dumbledore just remembered that his former 2 giants: Daphne, and Millicent resided in Slytherin. "No I'll do the job on my own!" Dumbledore spat to himself. Dumbledore sneaked upstairs to the boys dormitory. Dumbledore felt like fucking all of them. After fighting urge and temptation he reached what appeared to be Harry's bed. After confirming that it indeed was Harry's bed Dumbledore broke out in a victory dance. Harry was awaken by a disturbance, when he looked what the disturbance was he saw Dumbledore spinning on his head, singing.

Dumbledore ended his dance with an electricslide, and he saw that Harry was awake. Dumbledore sent a killing curse at Harry, which missed him and struck a shocked Blaise Zambini. Harry quickly whipped out his wand and sent a tickle charm at Dumbledore. Dumbledore dodged it and sent another killing curse at Harry missing him again and striking another Slytherin student. Dumbledore soon disarmed Harry and was about to finish him off. "Avada" but before he could finish the curse a brave Draco Malfoy, who couldn't find his wand in time, tackled Dumbledore and attempted to take his wand. "Avada Kedavra!" Croaked Dumbledore, hitting Malfoy and killing him. "Good enough for today." Dumbledore wheezed running out of the Slytherin house.


	20. Chapter 20

Susan Davis was in her office, punishing a kid for being gay, when a group of Slytherins ran into her office. "Dumbledore came in our house and killed 3 of us!" They all screeched at once. Susan Davis knocked the gay kid out and threw him in a closet , grabbed her wand and ran out. "Albis Dumbledore!" She screamed.

Dumbledore was having one of his best days in a long time. He had just killed 3 filthy serpents, with the imperious he was able to get back with Filch, and top all of that, he was now naked in a broom closet being serviced by Filch, Ronald, and Neville. "Life couldn't be better!" Dumbledore belched as he took a giant swig of fire whiskey.

All of a sudden: "Dumbledore!" Dumbledore now knew that Davis found out and was on his trail. "Time to get out!" Dumbledore croaked. So a naked Dumbledore darted out of the broom closet and proceeded to run up the flight of stairs.

On the way up the Dumbledore couldn't help but pause and snarl at the anti gay signs. What really set Dumbledore off was the sign that read: **Being straight is the #1 rule at Hogwarts school of withcraft and wizardry. **Dumbledore proceeded to destroy that sign, but his celebration was short lived when he saw there thousands more of the same sign. On top of that he realized there were now aurors after him!


	21. Chapter 21

Dumbledore hurried and took another flight of stairs back down stairs. He was approaching the Great Hall, but all he could hear was chatter. "Better not attempt it right now." Dumbledore thought to himself as he scolded at another anti-gay sign. Aurors were closing in on Dumbledore once more, so Dumbledore quickly darted into the school kitchen and his.

Harry was very very upset. He had just lost 3 members of his Slytherin family at Hogwarts, including his best friend Draco Malfoy. Now Harry was attending a funeral for these 3 Slytherins, along with the rest of Hogwarts students and staff. Harry would have revenge on Dumbledore!

Dumbledore was hiding in a stove at the Hogwarts kitchen. "They'll never find me in here!" Dumbledore belched out loud, immediately realizing his mistake in not being discreet and quiet. " I heard someone in here!" A deep voice boomed. Dumbledore quickly realizing his time hiding here was up made a break for it. Dumbledore hopped out of the oven and ran to the exit he found his way blocked by several aurors and kitchen elves. Dumbledore slashed his wand blowing up a stove and several other things. He slashed his wand again, this time unleashing the killing curse. Dumbledore illuminated the kitchen in green light, killing many aurors and elves. Dumbledore was in the clear, now he was heading back to the Great Hall!

Susan Davis was presenting the funeral ofthe three fallen students. "They died a noble death" she began. "They died trying to save lives, and they did not die in vain!" Susan Davis cried before being interrupted. "There just three filthy snakes who had this coming to them!" said a brave Ronald Weasely. Susan Davis took out her wand preparing to blast Ronald, but before she could the doors burst open. A naked Dumbledore ran through the hall. Dumbledore was killing people left to right before escaping on the other side of the Hall. Harry realizing that this was his chance in getting Dumbledore back, ran after Dumbledore. "Harry No!" Snape cried, but it was Harry was already gone.


	22. Chapter 22

Dumbledore ran and ran. He stopped briefly when he saw a terrified first year Hufflepuff student, and gave him a quick blow job. After that he ran ran some more, heading for the exit.

Alas he had finally made it, but he found the exit blocked by 3 aurors. Dumbledore just ran straight into them. Dumbledore slid as he dodged multitudes of curses, and pulled down the pants of an auror, and devoured his package with eager enthusiasm. The auror passed out from schock, and the other two just stood there with there mouths open. The break Dumbledore needed! Dumbledore took advantage of this and escaped, not before butt fucking the 3 aurors. "Woo hoo!" Dumbledore sang as he summersaulted out the door.

Harry ran down to the exit and saw Dumbledore leave the building. Harry was in pursuit!

Dumbledore did a fist pump and mooned the castle, unaware that he was doing it the whole time bring naked. "This is my territory!" Dumbledore croaked lifting his leg up and taking a leak on the grounds. Dumbledore then proceeded to take a crap until, "Dumbledore!" Dumbledore who rubbing in his shit looked up. "Harry!" Dumbledore thundered firing another flash of green light. Harry was able to dodge the killing curse. Harry was about fire a curse at Dumbledore, but Harry found himself disarmed. Dumbledore was standing over Harry gloating and giving a victory speech. "Now I will kill you!" Dumbledore belched lifting his wand. Then appeared a big towering figure which turned out to be Hagrid, picked up Dumbledore and threw Dumbledore into the forbidden Forest!


	23. Chapter 23

Dumbledore landed with a thud in the middle of the forbidden forest. Dumbledore looked around some, trying to get sight of Hogwarts, but all he could see were pine trees. Dumbledore, now becoming very cold due to no clothes, decided to build a fire. Once he built the fire Dumbledore passed out.

Meanwhile at Hogwarts Hagrid had taken Harry back to the castle, not before giving him a talk on not taking on evil by yourself.

The minister of magic Cornelius Fudge came to Hogwarts amist of the brutal attacks that took place. Fudge recorded that 27 aurors , 6 kitchen elves, and on top of the three Slytherin students murdered there were 12 other students in Dumbledores escape from the Great Hall. A couple of these included Angelina Johnson, Seamus Finnegan, Colin Creevey, and Cho Chang. All together there were 48 fatalaties.

Susan Davis was pacing in her office, ignoring the painful moans of a gay student , when she got a knock on her door. It was Cornelius Fudge. "Davis with all these attacks going on and Dumbledore coming in this school so easily, I think this school needs new leadership!" Fudge demanded. "You're right." Susan said simpily. Fudge gave a confused face and said "Well since you're so cooperative you can sign a resignation letter and this won't go on your record." Fudge said offering her a quill. Susan took the quill and was about to sing. Then as quick as a blink she jabbed the quill in Fudges eye. Fuge howled in pain, while Susan put her wand to Fuges head. "Sectumsempra!" She screamed watching with ravage glee as his head exploded into a million pieces. Susan then proceeded to burn his body. "Good Lord above!" Davis hollered throwing Fudges ashes out the window.

Meanwhile Dumbledore woke up in the forest and found himself surrounded by several large masses. "Don't eat me, I have kids!" Dumbledore belched.


	24. Chapter 24

Dumbledore woke up in the dark forest. He looked around and he found that he was surrounded by several centaurs. Dumbledore, thinking that this was a dream, began punching himself several times. It was then he realized this was real. Dumbledore was thinking about making love with on of these gorgeous, handsome creatures, until. "Welcome Albis Dumbledore!" A monster like voice boomed. Dumbledore looked and saw a giant spider along with thousands of other good sized spiders. Dumbledore knew that the giant spider was named Aragog, because Hagrid had it when he attended Hogwarts. "What do you want!" Dumbledore hissed. Just then a centaur stepped up and spoke. "We witnessed what went down at the school, and we heard how unfair that school treated you." The centaur said before Aragog stepped in. "What we want to say this we all hate that school, so Albis how about we all team up for some revenge, either accept this or we eat you!" Aragog said firmly Dumbledore did a victory dance and accepted. "Good!" Aragog croaled croaked, picking Dumbledore up with one of his giant legs and the two began making love.

Hagrid was enjoying a peaceful Sunday afternoon in his hut. He had just put on a pot of blue tea and baked some pumpkins fiber cookies. He was now making love to his lovely dog Fang. Hagrid was unbuttoning his shirt when he glanced out the window. "Oh shit!" He screamed before giving Fang a few more kisses.


	25. Chapter 25

Hagrid looked out the window and saw hundreds of giant spiders and centaurs charging at his hut. Hagrid ran out of his hut with Fang attached to his crotch. It was then he saw Aragog with Dumbledore riding him hoisting a torch. Hagrid and Fang hid in the woods and watched sadness as their hut was burnt to the ground. "How do you like that Chicken shit!" Dumbledore belched as he was making love to Aragog. "I'll never forget this!" Hagrid thundered watching the convoy advance to the castle. "Don't cry Fang!" Hagrid said sincerely as he began making more love to Fang.

Susan Davis glanced out her window and saw giant horde of spiders and centaurs. Woe and behold Dumbledore stepped forward and announced, "Surrender Davis or I will destroy this whole school!"


	26. Chapter 26

Dumbledore got off of Aragog and approached the Hogwarts entrance menacingly, and conjured up a gold microphone. "Surrender Davis or I will destroy this whole school! Dumbledore belched. " I will give you 2 hours 23 minutes and 13 seconds to present yourself in front of me!" Dumbledore went on to wheeze in the microphone.

Susan Davis was beating up another gay kid, she had cut off his right hand for that was the hand used in holding another boys hand. She put him on a meat hook and was preparing to rip his hair off with duct tape, but before she could, she heard Dumbledores message. Susan looked out her window and saw hundreds of spiders and centaurs. She wasn't going to surrender, she quickly cringed in disgust as she saw Dumbledore on the back of a centaur making love to it. That was enough fule for Mrs Davis to put the school on lock down and prepare for war with Dumbledores army.

Dumbledore had conjured up a radio and put on his favorite gay song "Firefly". He then conjured up a pool chair, sat down on it and started to have sex with Aragog again! 1hr later and extremely sweaty Dumbledore checked his watch "1 hour 15 minutes and 27 seconds, he said with a hearty chuckle, and extracting his penis from Aragog so he could polish it.

Harry was in his dorm looking out the window at the events unfolding. He seemed to almost be blind to the fact that Dumbledore was doing all of these anticts outside. Until after Dumbledore but fucked a couple more centaurs, spotted Harry. Dumbledore started making kissy faces at Harry and scrunched up his breast in the direction of Harry, before making love to Aragog again.

Moments later Dumbledore checked his watch again. 30 minutes 27 seconds Dumbledore sighed with a wheeze. Just then he remembered he needed to make an important message. " Free ice cream sandwiches to any male who will make love to me!" Dumbledore belched so everyone could hear.

Moments later: CRASH! and Ronald and Neville came running out of the school year to get there ice cream sandwiches. "Ahh Ronald and Neville you know you can get yours for free!" Dumbledore wheezed jumping up and down. "We want to join your army!" Ronald meowed. "That's right!" Chimed in Neville. "I've raised you two young men right!" Dumbledore belched engulfing them in a passionate french kiss. Dumbledore then tore the clothes off the two and the three of them began making some hot sweet love. Moments later they all exploded splattering the outside walls of Hogwarts with sticky seamen.

Susan Davis had enough. She had just wiped seamen off her face. She had to put an end to it! Susan aimed her wand at the cluster at the gate and fired. "Avada Kedavra!" She screamed.

Neville was throwing his clothes back on and eating his ice cream sandwich like it was noones business. Just like that he was hit with a flash of green light. Neville was dead. Soon there were multiple flashes of green light. They were striking and killing many centaurs. An irrate Dumbledore let out a battle cry "Charge!"


	27. Chapter 27

Dumbledore and the rest of his army charged into Hogwarts. "Spiders and centaurs attack the school while I head to Slytherin common room!" Dumbledore whinnied. "Baby!" Aragog croaked. "Don't worry Aragog I'll be fine." Dumbledore reassured with a purr, before snogging Aragog. With that Dumbledore was off.

Harry was sitting on the couch in the Slytherin common room, listening to the chaos outside, he then heard Dumbledores voice and he knew he had to fight him soon.

Dumbledore was loving this. He was picking off terrified kids, making love to them, and having other fun with them. It was when he was right by the Slytherin dorm entrance, he got attacked. Dumbledore, who thought it was Harry, unleashed the killing, missing the target, and striking someone else. Dumbledore saw to his disappointment that it was not Harry, but Hermoine Granger, Dumbledore just stunned her and gazed in disappointment. It was just at that moment that Dumbledore saw his two former giants. Daphne and Milicent were beating up a kid. "Daphne, Milicent!" Dumbledore croaked. "It's chief!" Daphne belched to Milicent who grunted in acknowledgment. "Yeah chief!" Boomed Daphne. "Look you can finish what you started earlier with this mudblood here." Dumbledore said pointing to the stunned body of Hermoine Granger. "No one will stop you this time!" Dumbledore added with thunderous belch. "You mean noone will blast a leg off us?" Boomed Daphne. "So I won't be losing another eye?" Milicent thundered. "Yes now get out of my sight." Dumbledore leered. "Aye aye chief we'll take her somewhere private!" Daphne roared as her and Milicent picked up Hermoine and ran off.

Harry was trying his best to hidehimself, he was ready to attack.

Dumbledore after reading the minds of many Slytherins found out the password to get in to the dorms. After saying the password he charged in and began sniffing everything. Dumbledore knew the scent of Harry. His nose started going haywire around the couches and he followed his nose right to Harry's hiding spot.

Harry realized that Dumbledore snuffed out his trail, came out of hiding. "Sectumsempra!" Harry screamed. Dumbledore did 360 backflip and dodged the curse. "Ooooooo it's the start of a fight!" Dumbledore sang.

Meanwhile Susan Davis was fighting off many centaurs and spiders in the Great Hall. She finished off a centaur. Then creeping up behind her with a knife was Ronald Weasely. "Neville will be Avenged!" Croaked Ronald taking a swing at davus Davis. Ronald missed terribly, lost his balance and fell over. Susan Davis, who now just finished off a spider, turned around and chuckled at Ronald, before severing his Dick with a flick of her wand. Ronald screamed so loud that he shattered ever single window in the Great Hall, then he passed out.

Dumbledore was now pelting Harry with curse after curse. Harry defense shield was fading, and getting weaker. Harry was about to give up until and ear shattering scream of Ronald Weasely rang through the school. Dumbledore covered his ears. "This is my chance!" Harry thought to himself. Harry slugged Dumbledore in the balls and ran away.


	28. Chapter 28

Dumbledore recovered from getting punched in the balls and chased after Harry.

Meanwhile: "Well Mudblood noone can save you now!" Boomed Daphne Greengrass. "Yeah no Potter or Davis!" Added Milicent with a belch. Once again they lifted Hermoine's skirt, preparing to feast on her leg.

Harry was running full speed trying to get away from Dumbledore. He couldn't find a place to hide. Shortly he heard Dumbledores taunts getting louder. Then a light bulb came on in Harry's head. "The room of requirement!" Harry thought to himself. Harry ran up a few more floors to the room of requirement and it appeared before him. Harry sighed in relief. He collapsed and relaxed, before realizing he was not alone in here.

Dumbledore was sniffing out Harry's trail until the trail went cold. His trail ended randomly. "What in the world!" Dumbledore spat. It didn't take him long to figure out what happened. "The room of requirement!" He wheezed. Dumbledore decided to go to the Great Hall too check on what Ronald was screaming about.

Dumbledore entered the Great Hal, found that it was now empty and immediately found Ronald curled in a ball. He was gushing out blood from his midsection. Dumbledore went to check the wound. Dumbledore pulled Ronald's pants down and immediately something fell out. Dumbledore examined the fallen piece and found out that it was Ronald's genital. Dumbledore quickly picked it up, gave it a kiss and prepared to reattach it. Dumbledore used very special magic and he was able to weld Ronald's Dick on. Dumbledore became sad when he realized Ronald could never ejaculate again. Dumbledore rushed Ron to the Gryffindor common room, said the password and placed Ronald gently on the couch. After giving Ron a kiss on the mouth he was off again.

Harry heard the familiar scream of Hermoine. He looked and saw once again that Milicent and Daphne were trying to chomp on her leg. "Hey peg leg, and eye patch." Harry teased. Daphne who was putting salt and pepper on Hermoine's leg looked up. "It's Harry!" She growled. The two didn't have time to react as Harry taught them another lesson.

Dumbledore was running to the Headmasters office preparing to take out Susan Davis. Before he could a brave Argus Filch armed with a headless mop, which now resembled a giant toothpick came out of a corner and stabbed Dumbledore in the leg. "No I missed Filch screamed .


	29. Chapter 29

"Ahh I missed!" Filch cried. Dumbledore gave his former lover a good natured smile before lifting his wand toward him. "Filch you were once a good man under the imperious curse." Dumbledore began, "I'm disappointed in you Argus, you betrayed the good side when shit started to hit the fan!" Dumbledore wheezed. "You're no saint!' Filch began, You're just an old corrupt fool, you're no good!" Filch declared fiercely. Dumbledore who appeared to be ignoring him then said, "Argus we had something going we did!" Dumbledore exclaimed. "I would never have sex with you, I'm not gay, I don't wear pink pajamas, and I don't even like a person like you, who forgets to pay me!" Filch thundered. Dumbledore ignored him again and was staring wide eyed at Filchs package. "Well Filch I will spare you if you strip down and make love to me!" Dumbledore demanded, licking his lips. "Screw you old man!" Filch sneered. "Feisty one are you, I like it!" Dumbledore purred. "The offer still stands!" Dumbledore added with a hearty chuckle. Filch went to grab his toothpick mop bug was struck down. Dumbledore stood over Filch. "Avada Kedavra!" and Filch was dead.

Harry, after he tied Milicent and Daphne up, ran out the room of requirement, unaware of his next plan.

Dumbledore had put Filch in a bag, and vaccum packed him. After he did that he put him in the school freezer to preserve him. Dumbledore then went up to the Gryffindor common room to check on his injured patient Ronald.

Susan Davis rounded up all the gay students, she hogtied them and placed then in a row on the floor of her office. Davis then brought out two large buckets. One containing mercury, the other bucket contained gasoline.

Harry soon thought that he should check on his guardian Snape. When he approached the dungeon he found a mass of bodies. Most of which were already dead and had an arrow in there head from the centaurs. There were a few however; that were still twitching, probably being tortured by pain, dying from blood loss from an arrow or a bite wound from the spiders. Harry mercifully put an end to those few souls. Harry then went in Snapes class room and found it was inhabited by a giant spider.

Dumbledore skipped and whistled to the Gryffindor common room to check on Ronald. Dumbledore once again said the password he entered and looked on the couch but there was no Ronald. Dumbledore then sniffed the ground and nose picked up the scent of headmaster Susan Davis! "Davis I'll get you!" Dumbledore cracked as he picked up a random shirt on the ground and turned it into a scarlet and gold cape he then ran to the Headmasters office.

Susan Davis now was beginning her brutal killings of these gay students. The first victim, was actually a girl by the name off Leanna Baker she was a Gryffindor 2nd year and was dating Angelina Johnson, until she recently died. Any way Davis took a scoop of mercury and dumped it on her head. Leanna let off an ear piercing scream as her head began sizzling. "Only if I brought my weiners to roast!" Susan chuckled. She then proceeded to her next vctim, which was a Gryffindor first year by the name of Zachary Romer who was dating Colin Creevey before he to died she dumped it on his head, and chuckled as he screamed bloody murder. Then a Hufflepuff third year by the name of Jonothan Allen who was currently dating Michael Corner. Before she could give him a painful death a figure appeared suddenly. It was Dumbledore with his scarlet and gold cape. "Davis I got you surrounded, surrender now!" Dumbledore belched merrily.


	30. Chapter 30

Dumbledore approached the Headmasters officen office. He said the first thing that came to his head which happened to be the password. Dumbledore glided up the stairs, and paused when he heard those terrible screams. "Ronald!" Dumbledore wheezed. Dumbledore then reached the office where Susan Davis was brutally murdering Dumbledores prized students. "Davis I got you surrounded surrender now!" Dumbledore belched as he patted his tweed stomach. Davis got up and approached Dumbledore menacingly. Dumbledore, who recently lost a majority of his power, realized he was no longer superior to Davis, shit on the floor and peed himself. Dumbledore quickly picked up Ronald and ran out with a toot. "I'll just get him later!" Davis chuckled. "Now back to business!" Davis growled as she approached her victims.

Harry opened the door of the potions classroom and was met immediately by a giant spider. Harry shut the door suddenly, as he thought of a plan.

Dumbledore brought Ronald to the room of requirement and it appeared this time. "Maybe Harry is in there!" Dumbledore wheezed excitedly. Inside Dumbledore found his 2 giants, Daphne and Milicent, disfigured once again. "I gave you one job and you failed!" Dumbledore screamed as he prepared to kill his 2 giants. Dumbledore however; backed down and spared their lives. Dumbledore healed there wounds the best he could. When they woke up he commanded that they take care of Ronald. "Aye Aye chief we won't let you down!" Daphne boomed.

Harry opened the door again and released his most powerful cutting curse. The wider got splattered to smithereens. Harry entered the classroom and found that there was a spun web in right upper corner of the classroom. When he investigated further he found there was a body in the web. Harry quickly ripped the body out of the web. He cleared all the debris off the body. It turned out to be the body Severus Snape. Harry quickly picked him up and put him on his shoulders and prepared to take him to the medical wing.

Dumbledore was so mad he had just chickened out, when he could have taken out Headmaster Davis. No nonsense would stop him if he got the chance again.

Harry quickly pulled out his maurders map and it revealed that the way to the medical wing was clear from centaurs and spiders. "That could change!" Harry said as his eyes lingered to where Susan Davis was. Harry chuckled "Even with the school in chaos she's still dedicated to rid the school of nonsense."

Harry quickly made his wayto the medical wing. Harry entered it and found that every bed was full. Madam Pomfrey saw that Harry had Snape and quickly made room for him she took two beds and dumped the kids off it out the window. 'There just useless Hufflepuffs any way." She said with a shrug.

Harry left the medical feeling good that Snape was being cared for. Harry rounded a corner and was without grabbed. "Pucker up Harry I heard you were a good kisser!" Dumbledore belched.


	31. Chapter 31

"Get off me!" Harry yelled the best he could. "Oooooo! Harry I love it when you squirm!" Dumbledore leered as he duct taped Harry's mouth shut. Dumbledore quickly threw Harry on the ground and with his wand bound his body in chains. Dumbledore picked Harry started to whistle auld lang syne.

Susan Davis was having fun killing these queers. She had no killed all but three. She was saving those for later. She took the pile of dead bodies and took them out of the castle. She then drenched the bodies with gasoline and lit them on fire. Susan enjoyed a weenie roast and smores.

Dumbledore took Harry into the Forbidden Forest. They were really going deep in the forest until they approached a giant cage. Dumbledore opened the door of that cage and threw Harry in it. "You look so cute in that cage!" Dumbledore teased. "Albus is that you!" A deep voice Boomed. Harry looked around curiously and saw the biggest spider ever. "Oooo Aragog I was worried about you!" Dumbledore wheezed as Aragog picked Dumbledore up and the two began making love. Harry vomited as he the revolting scene of Dumbledore having sex with a spider.

Susan Davis decided to look for Ronald. She went to the Gryffindor common room and was attacked. "Ahhh hah I got you now Ronald!" Susan thundered as she threw the body off her. When she saw who it really was she was surprised and disappointed. "Ms Granger why did you that?" Susan questioned. "I thought you were Dumbledore!" Hermoine said fearfully. "Whatever, but have you seen Ronald Weasely anywhere. Davis asked sternly. " No but I saw Dumbledore exit the Room of Requirement. " Hermoine whimpered. "Room of Requirement it is!" Davis boomed as she took off toward the room of Requirement.

Harry woke up to the sound of his cage door being opened. Harry looked and was frightened. "Ahh what the hell is that!" Harry exclaimed as he backed away from a menacing figure that had its face covered in long red hair. This figure reminded Harry alot of the ring, (A muggle horror movie, that Vernon always watched). Harry then heard the voice of Dumbledore. "Harry you will make love to Ginny Weasely, your future wife, if you do you will get supper!" Dumbledore boomed. This "Ginny" then brushed her hair away from her face, exposing a down right hideous, monstrous face, that was crawling with bugs. "Harry you'll like Ginny she's not a cheap whore like Tracey Davis , She's a woman of both looks and substance!" Dumbledore chuckled. "She'd make a fine wife, she a certified plumber so you'll never have toilet problems, most importantly she'll never cheat on you!" Dumbledore exclaimed pleasantly. "Why because she's so ugly!" Harry spat. "Watch your mouth young man!" Screeched a woman voice. "That's Ginny's mother Molly." Dumbledore said charmingly. "She doesn't take kindly to insults on her family." Dumbledore added with a wink and a toot. "Since you insist on not making love to Ginny I will force you, imperio!" Dumbledore belched.

Susan Davis charged up the stairs to the room of requirement. It appeared before and she entered. Dumbledore saw Ronald on a bed and she ran to grab him. She however; was stopped by Milicent and Daphne. "No one past this point!" Boomed Daphne. "Out of wayl assholes!" Davis said stunning the two and grabbing Ronald.

Harry was fighting the imperious curse all he could but he getting closer to Ginny. Ginny, when Harry got close, she grabbed him. Harry punched her in the face, knocking her out. Harry breathed a sigh of relief until Dumbledore came in and grabbed Harry by the hair. "I got a better plan!" Dumbledore wheezed.

Susan Davis just ripped the stitches out of Ronald's newly repaired crotch. Needless to say, Ronald passed out from schock. Susan then used a spell to awaken Ronald. Ronald began frantically screaming. He screamed louder as Susan applied salt to his crotch wound. "Now I'll cut your colon out!" Susan growled as she grabbed her tools. She was distracted by a loud shout. Susan looked and she saw that Dumbledore had Harry hostage. "Susan surrender or Harry dies!"


	32. Chapter 32 Don't call me sir!

"Surrender now Davis or Harry dies!" Dumbledore spat outside. Susan Davis looked out her window and saw that Dumbledore had Harry by the hair and a knife to his throat. It was then Susan got an idea. She marched over to where Ronald was laying down clutching his crotch, and withering in pain. Susan grabbed Ronald by the hair and marched him to the open window, not before giving him a nice pat on the crotch. "Ouchhh!" Ronald cried. "Ohh shut up!" Susan teased, slapping him on the head. "Albus if you kill Harry, I kill Ronald here!" Susan said as she grabbed Ronald so Dumbledore could see. Dumbledore started to consider if this was really worth it. His thinking was messed up when he was pushed out of the way. "Ron baby, mommy come rescue you!" Cried Molly Weasely. Harry was able to break away from Dumbledore in this disturbance, by biting Dumbledore on the hand. Dumbledore howled in pain, as he clutched his hand, which was gushing out blood. Harry went up to Dumbledore and kicked him in the balls and took his wand back. "What is it with you people in cheap shots!" Dumbledore wheezed as he coughed up blood, and got hit by a cutting curse from Susan Davis.

Susan realizing that the tension was over, she put Ronald on a meat hook, and applied more salt to his crotch wound. Davis then poured herself a glass of fire whiskey. "To me!" She declared as she downed a glass. She then proceeded to pour another glass. Until, "Ronnikins!" Exclaimed Molly Weasely, as she ran into Davis's office. "You get Ronald off that hook now!" She screeched. "Who the hell are you?" Davis asked as she downed another glass of whiskey. "I sir happened to be Molly Weasely!" Molly thundered. Hey don't call me sir alright! " Davis Boomed. Now would you like a drink? " Davis said flustered. It was then that something dawned on Susan. "You're that crazy woman I had to beat up and turn to the authorities at Kings Cross this year aren't you?" Said Davis excitedly. Molly seemed to remember as well. "You're that man that slammed me and landed me in Azkaban!" Molly screeched. "Once again don't call me sir, don't call me man, OK!" Davis said standing up from her chair. "What are you going to about it sir!" Molly teased. "Don't call me sirrrrrr! Susan Davis roared before twisting Molly's left arm into a pretzel. "

Dumbledore was desperately crawling to the Forbidden Forest. "Must find Aragog!" Dumbledore managed to wheeze. Dumbledore crawled and crawled, for hours until he was close to Aragogs hide out. It was then Dumbledore smelt something strong and bitter. When he investigated further he immediately thought the worst. "Noooo!" Dumbledore screamed as he broke down in tears.


	33. Chapter 33

"Noooo!" Dumbledore cried as he smelled the ground. The ground reaked of spider poison. "Aragog!" Dumbledore croaked as he crawled intensely to the spider lair. When he got their he saw that his nightmare was confirmed. There in front of him was a giant figure, with a hazmat suit, and wearing a gas mask. Dumbledore saw that this thing was carrying was carrying a weird looking gun. However; when he turned around, Dumbledores heart sank. The gun that was being carried by this figure was connected to a back back that had the words "**RADIOACTIVE SPIDER KILLER" **"Noo, Aragog, noooo!" Dumbledore wept. "The giant figure heard Dumbledores cries and took off his mask briefly. " Hagrid, after all I did for you, you do this!" Dumbledore screeched. Hagrid let off a giant pirate laugh. "Albus you didn't do shit for me, but burn down me home!" Hagrid roared. "Bull shit Hagrid, oooo I do like a man in uniform!" Dumbledore squealed as suddenly changed the subject. "Stop hitting on me you old corrupt bastard. Hagrid roared as he threw down his stuff and started to beat Dumbledore to a pulp. Hagrid kicked Dumbledore several times in the crotch, and ripcage. Then he punched several times in the stomach. Hagrid was crouched by Dumbledore, looking to see if he was knocked out. Dumbledore rolled over and gave Hagrid a wet kiss on the lips. Hagrid grabbed Dumbledores head and beat it against the ground several times. Hagrid then ripped several chunks of hair from Dumbledores head . "I think I got him this time!" Hagrid panted. "I still love you!" Dumbledore weakly belched. "That's it!" Hagrid roared as he took out his pocket knife and castrated Dumbledore. Ooooooo that don't feel so good!" Dumbledore chuckled as he passed out. "Sick son of a bitch!" Hagrid sneered as he devoured Dumbledores fresh cut manhood.

"Please spare me my son!" Molly pleaded to Susan Davis. "Not interested!" Susan replied as she placed Molly on a meat hook by Ronald. "Please I'll do anything!" Molly cried. "Nahh." Susan replied boredly, as she popped some popcorn, and watched Seinfield on her muggle television. "I'm sorry for calling you sir!" Molly wailed. "Shut up, this show is at an important plot point right now! Davis said throwing a dart at Molly. "Please Susan get us off these hooks!" Molly gasped. "In the name of thunder shut up!" Davis thundered as she put a sack on Molly's head.

Harry went to the hospital wing to check on his "father" Snape. Harry was greatly relieved when he saw Snape sitting up on his bed, taking medicine. "Get me some more pain killers please!" Yeah me too!" Two deep voices boomed. Harry knew who they were. "Shut up Mrs. Greengrass, and Mrs. Bullstrode." Madam Pomfrey screeched, before informing Harry that Snape is in no condidition to socialize. "Is Hermoine in here?" Harry asked. "Yes she's still passed out in the back, I just got done treating a bite wound on her leg." Pomfrey said to Harry. "Harry any idea how she got a bit?" Pomfrey questioned. "Yeah it was those two fatasses over there." Harry pointed over to Daphne and Milicents bed. "Really I don't know why I'm treating them then, I'll just dispose of them!" Pomfrey sneered. "No don't kill them." Said the voice of Susan Davis. "You're kidding Susan!" Pomfrey said confused. "No I'm not, there not like the rest, there not boring." Susan said calmly, before adding. "Don't give them the star treatment though, use salt to treat their wounds instead, they'll like that!" Susan winked. Harry was happy finally there was peace throughout the land. "Everything's going to be alright!" Harry thought as he heard the painful screams of Daphne and Milicent.


	34. Chapter 34

A day later Dumbledore recovered from Hagrids thrashing. "Where am I?" Dumbledore asked as he began to scratch his crotch. "Wait a minute!" Dumbledore quacked as he checked his crotch and found no attachment. Dumbledore began to weep miserably. He weeped even more as he saw hundreds and hundreds of dead spiders. "Aragog no!" Dumbledore wailed out loud. "Oh well I'll just have to find a new partner." Dumbledore shrugged as he got up. "I'm still here baby!" A voice rattled. "Oooo Aragog me spider I was worried he got you to!" "I was able to escape barely!" Aragog croaked. "I am the last spider here, and I'm a male so our population here is doomed, unless.. " What are you suggesting Aragog?" Dumbledore asked with a snort. "Unless we reproduce the population!" Aragog exclaimed. Dumbledore broke out into hysterical laughter before saying, "I'm a male!" Dumbledore then remembered something. "When I was in college I found a curse that could change the virginity of my female house elf!" Dumbledore squealed before adding. "I don't know if it will work on spiders, but here it goes!" Dumbledore said the curse and immediately there was success. "Yeah I know I have a female reproduction part!" Aragog said excitedly. "Now I never made love to an opposite gender, so there is big risk here!" Dumbledore wheezed fearfully. "It's a risk that I am willing to take!" Dumbledore added with a bow. The rest was history as Aragog cradled Dumbledore.

Susan sat in her office. She was getting ready to conduct a mass funeral of 46 slain students, and caretaker Argus Filch. Before she did that she wanted to have some fun. She went to Ron and Molly, who were still on meathooks, and she messed around with them. Susan whipped out an egg beater and began tickling Molly with it. "Stop it!" Molly screeched. "OK!" Susan exclaimed as she whipped out a carrot peeler, and began to peel Molly's fingers. Molly could not pass out, she had to wait until Susan was finished. She then approached Ronald and used a pair of double claw crab crackers on his Dick and his fingers. "Heh heh!" Davis laughed as she went to the funeral in the Great Hall.

Dumbledore and Aragog, after mating with each other were taking a nice walk in the woods. Their main goal was to find a new home. After a while Dumbledore dropped down on one knee and showed a ring before Aragog. "Will you marry me Aragog me sweet!" Dumbledore wheezed. A shocked Aragog replied "Yes!" And the two kissed under the moonlight!


	35. Chapter 35

Dumbledore and Aragog finally found a promising location to settle into. It was a good sized cave. Right by the cave was a stream, that meandered into the river. "I'm surprised you proposed to me since I'm a woman." Aragog cooed. "Not for long, after we have these kids you're going to be turned back into a male!" Dumbledore whinnied, as Aragog looked on sadly.

Susan Davis just put on her best suit, as she prepared for the mass funeral in the Great Hall. "I want to see Neville's body at the funeral!" Spat Ronald Weasely. "Why so you can make out with it?" Davis laughed menacingly. "Besides I already "buried" Mr. Longbottom." Susan added as he applied more salt to Ronald's crotch. "Now I should be going." Davis said as she grabbed her wand. Before she left, there was a knock on her door. Susan answered. "Ah Severus nice to see you up again!" Davis said enthusiastically. "Who's that you have?" Davis questioned. Severus Snape who had someone in ropes took the sack off the head of this person. "Holy shit put the sack back on man!" Davis said as she covered her eyes. "What is that supposed to be?" Davis asked. "Ginny Weasely." "Oh another Weasely that explains it then!" Mrs Davis said as she fully recovered. "Ginny baby, you assholes leave Ginny alone!" Molly screeched as she pulled on her hooks. "I caught Ginny trying to snuggle food and other things out of the castle." Snape said as he turned Ginny over to Susan. "How long to funeral Headmaster?" Snape asked. It was supposed to be five minutes ago, now give me 15 minutes." Davis said as she pointed at Ginny, as Snape smiled wickedly.

Dumbledore and Aragog were able to make a home in the cave they found. Dumbledore tried to make the cave more fancy by getting a large boulder, and carving a statue of himself, and placing it right outside the cave. Dumbledore stood back and examined the cave. "I think I need another statue!" Dumbledore wheezed madly. Moments later Dumbledore carved another statue, this time it was depicted him butt fucking a man. "Much better!" Dumbledore quacked as he went to give Aragog some company.

Susan Davis was beating this Ginny Weasely up. "Ha-ha!" Susan laughed as she thought of a master plan. "Leave my daughter alone!" Molly screeched. "Shut up!" Davis growled as she turned Molly into a rat and threw in her a cage. Susan now got a roll of duct tape and wrapped Ginny's head in it. Susan pulled it all leaving a few hairs on Ginny's head. "That's all you got man!" Ginny was able to belch. "I know you didn't call me that, I just know you didn't!" "Call you what sir!" Ginny said bravely. "DO NOT CALL ME SIR!" Susan Davis roared as she disfigured Ginny.


	36. Chapter 36

Dumbledore quacked with delight as he thought of a plan. "After Aragog has this liter of spiders, and I turn Aragog back to a male, I will have revenge on Hogwarts!' Dumbledore now thought out loud.

Susan Davis had beaten Ginny Weasely to a living pulp. Susan had completely ripped one of Ginny's eyes out. She ate one of Ginny's eye while Ginny watched with the other. Susan, who realized she needed to be at the funeral, resulted in tying Ginny up and throwing her in a bathtub full of blood. " I know she didn't call me sir, I just know she didn't!' Susan muttered as she stormed out of her office.

Dumbledore was pissed off to say the least. Aragog was too weak to make love to him, and his penis was now in serious withdrawal. "I need to find something to make love with now!" Dumbledore clicked madly, as he clutched his throbbing dick.

Harry was now in the Great Hall, attending the mass funeral. Harry wasn't too upset at this funeral, because they were mainly Gryffindor and Hufflepuff students, there was a random Ravenclaw, but there were no Slytherin students. However; Harry was still traumatized at the recent death of his best friend Draco Malfoy.

Dumbledore was in dire need of a nice male to make love with. Dumbledore was no frantically searching the forest for any male of any species. Dumbledore found a rabbit, when he examined it, he found to his anger it was a female. Dumbledore then searched some more until he apprehended a unexpecting unicorn. Dumbledore let off a victory toot as he found that it was a male. Dumbledore plugged in his throbbing dick into the unicorn. The unicorn let off an ear piercing, painful scream, as it passed out. "Score another for the good guys!" Dumbledore quacked merrily, as he ejaculated.

Harry was talking to Blaise Zambini about quidditch. "I think we're going to destroy Gryffindor in our playoff match tomorrow!" Harry said before getting cut off. "There she is, she sure doesn't look happy." Blaise said observantly. Harry looked and saw Susan Davis entering the Great Hall. Harry saw her pulse in her head throbbing, and Harry could see her arteries in her muscles through her dark black suit. Harry could also see a little trace of blood. "Something pissed her off." Blaise said as Harry agreed as Susan began the funeral. "Today we honor the lives of all the students that were lost this week." Susan Davis began as she wiped an obviously fake tear from her eye. Susan began, this time she was pretending to have sincere emotion in her voice. "Now everybody lets have a moment of silence to remember all these individuals." After 5 minutes of silence Susan stormed out of the Great Hall, and proceeded to march to her office. "Time to care of some unfinished business!" She spat as she tore off her suit, revealing a wrestling singlet.

Dumbledore was having a good day. After fucking a unicorn his dick was now in the upswing to recovery. "I think That unicorn liked me!" Dumbledore quacked happily as he entered his cave. Inside the cave Dumbledore found Aragog sleeping away. "Ahh the poor creature!" Dumbledore whinnied softly as he joined Aragog in bed. Dumbledore was about to go to bed when he saw something that caught his eye. It was a back of wizard pregnancy test strips. "What the hell!" Dumbledore beeped as he took one of the strips. Dumbledore tested to humor himself, but found out to his utter horror that the test strip was positive. Dumbledore immediately had flashbacks of him and Filch in bed and Dumbledore used his brothers potion to get pregnant. "No!" Dumbledore belched and quacked at the moon.


	37. Chapter 37

Dumbledore still couldn't believe it. "Stupid Filch he didn't even love me!" Dumbledore quacked angrily. Dumbledore then heard a loud moan from Aragog. "Aragog baby are you all right!" Dumbledore buzzed frantically. "It's time to have the kids now!" Aragog wailed.

Susan Davis was back in her office. She angrily made a pot of tea. She was about to sit down until there was a knock on her door. "Come in!" She said agitatedly. It appeared before her to Hagrid. "Hey Hagrid." She said as she made little recognition of him. "I wanted to talk about Dumbledore." Hagrid began. "What about him?" Davis asked. "I beat him bad, until he was almost dead, and he's laying in the forest floor, and.. Hagrid said before he was cut off. "Let's get him!" Davis said abruptly, as she stormed out of the office.

Dumbledore was getting shitface drunk. He was trying to drown out the fact that he would be giving birth. "I hate pain!" Dumbledore cried as he chugged a huge bottle of fire whiskey, and passing out.

Hagrid and Susan Davis went into the Forbidden Forest to find and kill Dumbledore. "Where was he again?" Susan asked Hagrid. "He was up a little further by the spider lair!" Replied a determined Hagrid. A while later they came up to the place Dumbledore was last at. "Where did he go!" Hagrid yelled. "I beat him almost to death!" Hagrid wailed. "Almost, but not quite." Davis said him a reassuring slap to the head. "Come on man, he can't be far." Davis said as the two walked through the forest some more.

Dumbledore stood back and covered his face as he watched Aragog give birth. Normally spiders like Aragog lay eggs, but since Aragog got pregnant by the means of rare magic, and by a human, Aragog would give birth to live young. Any way Dumbledore waited for another twenty minutes until boom! and the spider kids started coming out like a machine gun. "These are too manyyyyyy!" Dumbledore quacked as loud as he could.


	38. Chapter 38

Dumbledore angrily killed most of the spiders that Aragog had just given birth to. Dumbledore left 8 spiders remaining. I will name them all Dumbledore threatened in advance. "There are 5 males and I will name them as that one is quackers." Dumbledore snarled as he took out his wand and engraved the name quackers in the spider. "Over there will be Butt fucker!" Dumbledore squealed as he took out his wand again. Dumbledore then named another male spider "Albis Jr." The fourth male he named "Jewles" after a former boyfriend Dumbledore had. "The last male spider he named "Girabaldi" also after a former boyfriend.

"Now the females." Dumbledore croaked with disgust. "You over there will be Bitch."Next one you will be Vagina." Finally you will be Barty Crime fighter!" Dumbledore concluded. "All around the world in a brand new beat!" Dumbledore sang as he began to make love to Jewles.

Susan Davis and Hagrid had finally come upon a cave in the woods. They went to check it out, but found that the entrance was barricaded. "He's in there!" Susan , then with all her physical might, moved the giant debris from the entrance of the cave.

Dumbledore heard that Susan Davis was right outside the cave, but he just simply couldn't run and hide, especially since his spider son Butt fucker was tickling his balls, with his fuzzy baby arms. "A new record Eight hands on my balls!" Dumbledore giggled. It was then the entrance of the cave was removed.

"We got you Dumbledore, surrender now!" Susan screamed. "No!" Dumbledore defiantly said. "You sick bastard, you got Aragog pregnant!" Hagrid roared , as he looked sick, seeing Dumbledore being serviced by a baby spider. "Poo!" I can't contain it!" Dumbledore said in discomfort. "Hold what!" Hagrid exclaimed. Dumbledore then unattached a spider off his crotch, and climaxed so severe that it covered Susan and Hagrid, in a thick and creamy substance. "Kids get the condoms and scramo!" Dumbledore belched as he slugged Hagrid and Susan in the balls, and retreated with his kids, as they escaped on the back of Aragog.


	39. Chapter 39

Dumbledore was now had escaped Susan. He left Aragog and the kids and apparated to London, to look for a good time.

Dumbledore skipped and teapot whistled as he approached the Leaky Caldron. Dumbledore ran head first into the door.

"Ahhh, Tom the barman!" Dumbledore squealed like a pig, as he applied some condoms.

"What the hell you want!" Tom said, as he was no doubt, a little creeped out.

"Now Tommy boy, I will be needing a room, for me and you!" Dumbledore sang, as he brushed his teeth, with a grill brush.

"That's very funny, now can you cut this shit, so I can attend to real customers!" Tom spat..

Dumbledores face went from delightful to a look of complete fury.

Don't you dare talk to me like that! " Dumbledore mooed like a cow.

"Cricio!" Dumbledore clicked for 4 minutes until he got bored.

"Imperious!" "Make love to me!' Dumbledore honked, as he threw his grill brush at a random customer.

"Oooo, score another for the good guys, about damn time something goes my way!" Dumbledore sluroed as he began making fierce love to Tom the barman.

Meanwhile Susan Davis entered the ministry of magic and told the minister of magic Cornelius Fudge about the last scene that took place. Fudge issued a nationwide manhunt for Dumbledore.


	40. Chapter 40

Dumbledore giggled as left the Leaky Caldron.

"What a night!" Dumbledore hooted.

Just then Dumbledore was stunned and bound in chains.

"We got him!" A deep voice said.

Dumbledore woke up moments later in a holding cell at the ministry of magic.

"Let me out, you sumbitches!" Dumbledore belched in outrage.

Just then Kingsley Shacklebolt the auror came down.

"Settle down Dumbledore, your trial is in 1 hour, after that you'll be sentenced to Azkaban for a very...long...time!" Kingsley informed.

"Ahhh Kingsley, but I didn't do anything!" Dumbledore cried, and whined.

Kingsley ignored Dumbledore and walked away.

Dumbledore began crying, until he realized he wasn't alone in his cell.

"Ahhh professor Quirrel!" Dumbledore squealed.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" Quirrel cried as he was tackled by Dumbledore, and passed out as he was being plugged.

Later Kingsley came and escorted a chained up Dumbledore to the court room

"What are you so cheerful about, you're on trial for rape and murder?" Kingsley said offhandedly.

Dumbledore didn't answer and began singing the song "Firefly" Much to Kingsley's disgust.

The trial of Dumbledore went on with no incident, and now came the sentencing.

"We have ruled Albus Percific Brian Dumbledore, guilty of all charges!" Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge declared proudly, as Dumbledore continued to sing Firefly over and over again.

"Therefore you will be sentenced to death by the veil!" Fudge said with more triumphance.

"Death, Kingsley do something for me!" Dumbledore croaked, as Kingsley made no recognition of Dumbledore.

"Weak ass auror!" Dumbledore mumbled darkly as he was being escorted to the veil.


	41. Chapter 41

Dumbledore was farting madly, and making obscene gestures at the aurors as he was being tooken to the veil for execution.

Hey sugar I'll give you some services if you let me go." Dumbledore whispered to Dawlish the auror, who in response punched him in the face.

At last they were at the veil.

The execution was going without incident until...

Dumbledore all of a sudden got physical

"If I'm gonna die you're gonna die with me!" Dumbledore cackled as he grabbed Dawlish the auror and threw him in the veil.

Dumbledore was then blasted into the veil by Fudge.

Everybody walked back until they heard a weird sound.

"Wait we can't hear the veil." One of the aurors pointed out.

All of a sudden there was a glass shattering screech.

"Yaaaaaaa!" Screeched Dumbledore as he flew out of the veil.

Dumbledore then grabbed Fudge and bit his jugular out.

Dumbledore then took a shocked Kingsley Shacklebolts wand, not realizing that he didn't properly disarm him.

Dumbledore also took Kingsleys crown, and apparated away

'Heee he'd haw haw!" Dumbledore quacked into the night.


	42. Chapter 42

Dumbledore apparated to the Forbidden Forest.

Dumbledore went to his old cave to check on his lover Aragog and the kids.

Dumbledore was immediately thrown back by what he saw at the cave.

"Aragog no!" Dumbledore wept, as he saw a dead Aragog curled in a ball.

Dumbledore quickly found out that his spider kids had been killed to.

Just then there was a fierce wind and Dumbledore's eyes turned red.

"I'll have my revenge." Dumbledore quacked

Meanwhile at the ministry of magic everybody was keeping the fact that Dumbledore escaped and killed Fudge a secret from the public, to avoid panic.

So the ministry appointed Albert Runcorn as the minister of magic, and told the press that Fudge went into hiding.


	43. Chapter 43

6 months later:

Dumbledore these past 6 months was totally a different man.

He no longer cared about having sex with men, no all he cared about now was either destroying, or taking over Hogwarts, oh and killing Harry potter

Dumbledore actually assembled a large army of several thousand people, more than enough to take over the school Dumbledore thought.

Right now Dumbledore and his army had completely surrounded Hogwarts.

"Susan Davis come out to the front gates so we can have our talk!" Dumbledore Boomed.

Susan Davis looked out after hearing this familiar voice and rolled her eyes.

"Him again." Susan chuckled as she looked out the window.

As Susan looked out the window, she could see Dumbledores large army, and she saw Dumbledores red eyes, and he was standing on a very large, menacing object.

Susan walked to the front gates of the school to talk.

"Susan this thing I'm standing on would destroy this school, this here is a tank, and I know this school is not protected against that." Dumbledore smiled.

Dumbledore then went on to explain how he stole this tank from a muggle military base.

"Is this necessary to bring all this stuff here." Susan said

"Well Susan this is just to show you I'm serious." Dumbledore said.

"Susan you have until Sundown for you and your staff to leave this school, don't worry the kids say." Dumbledore demanded.

"Sorry we're not going to that, you'll destroy this school." Susan retaliated.

Dumbledore then jumped down from the tank, and called for one of his people.

"Bring me the hostage." Dumbledore barked

Dumbledore then took hold of the hostage and placed him in a kneeling position, and held the fake sword of Gryffindor to its throat.

"There's no need for that Albus, Severus is a good man." Susan pleaded.

"I know but its your decision not mine." Dumbledore clarified

"We can all live together, right here at Hogwarts..." Susan said as the message appeared to be sinking in to Dumbledore, until...

"Liar." Dumbledore hissed as he drove the sword through Severus's neck, killing him. Dumbledore then took the whole head off.

"No!" Susan screamed as she and the whole school began wildly firing curses at Dumbledore and his Army.

Dumbledore dodged a killing Curse, but got hit in the arm by a cutting curse.

Dumbledore got down and tended to his wound.

Moments later a determined Dumbledore got up.

"We go in, we kill them all! Dumbledore roared.

The giant tank then steamrolled through Hogwarts's front gates and it fired a shot at the school making a large hole in the school.

Dumbledore then walked in slowly, when he was suddenly blindsided.

It was Harry, he had tackled Dumbledore and began punching him in the face repeatedly.

"Like cheap shotin people don't you!" Dumbledore said as he kicked Harry off him.

Harry then put Dumbledore in a chokehold.

Dumbledore fought back with a punch to the rib, and a head butt.

Dumbledore then kicked Harry to the ground, as Harry let off a scream of agony.

Dumbledore jumped on top of Harry and punched him until his injured arm tired him.

Dumbledore then grabbed Harry's neck and began to strangle him.

Harry was near death until a sword went through Dumbledores chest.

It was Harry's girlfriend Luna Lovegood.

"Well Harry I was definitely hoping better for you." Dumbledore chuckled as gave a face of displeasure at Luna.

Dumbledore then pretended to be dead.

Luna helped Harry up and they were walking away until..

Dumbledore grabbed the sword with out getting up, and slashed off the left leg of Luna. Dumbledore prepared to kill Harry, until he was picked up and thrown in to the forest by Hagrid.


	44. Chapter 44

Dumbledore landed with a thud outside Hogwarts, as his army retreated.

"You cowards!" Dum quacked and metamorphosized madly..

Just then a one leg, furious Luna Lovegood tackled Dumbledore, and jabbed a small stick through Dumbledores eye.

Dumbledore screamed in agony as he kicked Luna off him, and pulled out a pocket knife.

Dumbledore, then delicately slit Luna's throat.

Dumbledore after putting clay in his damaged left eye, marched back into school grounds, and saw Hagrid charging at him.

"Argh!" Hagrid roared as he charged at Dumbledore, clutching a small butter knife.

Dumbledore easily side stepped Hagrid, and used his wand to disable Hagrids leg, via cutting cutting curse.

Dumbledore managed to regroup with a couple of loyal soldiers, and they proceeded toward the inside of Hogwarts.

Just then one of Dumbledores men was hit with a killing curse.

Dumbledore saw it was coming from the owl tower, and Dumbledore quickly ran there.

Harry was in the owl tower.

He was aiming to kill Dumbledore, but hit the guy next to him.

Alas Harry now had Dumbledore in his sight again, but before he killed him, Harry was attacked by an owl.

Harry struggled with the owl for eternity, when he finally shook free of it he was outside the tower.

Harry was then hit in the head by one of Dumbledores men.

Dumbledore then took it from here by punching Harry in the face, knocking him to the ground.

Harry then punched Dumbledore in the balls.

This infuriated Dumbledore.

"You stupid cheap shot!"Dumbledore hyperventilated.

Dumbledore then grabbed Harrys Hand and bit a couple of fingers off and ate them.

Dumbledore then proceeded to leave until Harry pleaded to him.

"I ain't begging, Harry muttered as Dumbledore cut him off

"No!"Dumbledore declared as he pulled out his wand at Harry, and green light came out of it.


	45. Chapter 45

Dumbledore wanted to remember this day when he killed the sleezebag Harry.

So Dumbledore cut off Harrys head and put it in a sack, then he cut Harrys stomach open with a cutting curse and put a couple of Harrys internal organs ad intestines in a container.

"Job accomplished!" Dumbledore rapped as he left the school grounds and the rest of his army to fight for themselves.

Dumbledore gorilla walked up a hill to apparate.

Before he did Dumbledore grabbed some more clay to pack in his gouged eye.

Dumbledore apparated to a tiny town in rural England.

It was cold windy, and snowing, so Dumbledore curled up under a park bench.

Dumbledore was so Hungry.

"Im so hungry I could eat a person!" Dumbledore cried to himself.

Just then a soccer ball hit Dumbledore in the face.

Dumbledore saw a little boy and got excited.

"Food!" Dumbledore barked.

Dumbledore had an idea and lept onto action.

Hey boy I have your soccer ball!" Dumbledore said cheerfully.

"Give it here!" The boy squeaked

"No come and get!" Dumbledore sang .

So the boy came to get his soccer ball, and immediately Dumbledore sank his teeth in the boys arm and ate it.

A muggle policre officer saw what Dumbledore did, and clubbed him in the head with a nightstick, knocking Dumbledore out cold.

Dumbledore was now in muggle custody!


End file.
